just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
