Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
