Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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