I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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