I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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