I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
