did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
