so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
