Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
