Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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