Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Panties = found
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
