We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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