Porn is love you can see.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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