dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
