I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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