By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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