I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
