I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
