Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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