Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize