i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
