hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
