I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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