Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
