people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
