That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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