I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
