Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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