My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
