and she was petting her beer can
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
