He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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