dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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