Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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