I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
