The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
