two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
