I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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