Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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