it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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