Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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