It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Drunk is not a location!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
