the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
