Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
