If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Tornado booty call.. dedication
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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