This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The power of my boobs compel you
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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