Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
