I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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