i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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