Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Say something about gay babies.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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