u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
