my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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