Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
