i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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