i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i believe in u and ur pee
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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