Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How naked do you want me to be?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
