Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
