I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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